Johnny's Blue Blanket
by PastPotatoes
Summary: The discovery of Johnny's old blue blanket stirs up old memories for Jim. Can some of Johnny's old things help Jim and Sarah move forward?


Jim and Sarah had been putting off sorting out their old things for a while. They had brought them with them to their new place on Mar Sara and had spent a few months sat in boxes in various corners of their house. Now, they were finally sorting through them in a hope to rid themselves of the clutter.

Sarah, having few possessions of her own, was sorting through a box of some of Jim's things. He had kept so much in storage on Mar Sara, he'd forgotten what he even had. She opened the old cardboard box that had clearly survived a few Zerg attacks but stopped the moment she saw the contents and looked sadly at Jim. Inside the box was a collection of small outfits, some toys and a blanket.

"What's up?" He asked, seeing the look on her face.

"I think," she said softly, looking at him sympathetically. "These are Johnny's things."

Jim felt his heart drop at the sound of his dead son's name. He'd died many years ago in a shuttle accident when he was barely a few years old.

"I'm sorry," she said, worried she'd upset him by bringing up the past. She folded the lid of the box back over in an attempt to undo it.

"Wait," he quickly said. "Can you..." He trailed off. He was going to ask her to sort through it but suddenly realized he shouldn't put her in that position. He knew she was uncomfortable with the idea of having children and he didn't want her thinking he was trying to pressure her into it. He just didn't want to look through a box of old memories, no good came from dredging up the past.

"I don't mind," she said kindly, reading his thoughts. She flashed him a smile to reinforce her willingness.

"Thanks, darlin'," he added.

"What did you want me to keep?" She asked, unsure of the contents of the box. She reopened the flaps and picked up the blue blanket carefully.

He tried to remember what was in the box but he couldn't even remember packing it. He realized he was probably grieving when it had been packed up and forgotten about. Thinking about it caused a fresh wave of remorse to wash over him. His son would be almost a teenager now, the things in the box would only remind him of the fact he was gone and how young he'd been. "You decide," he trusted her judgement.

She nodded softly.

He noted the blue blanket in her hands and he remembered cradling his son in it. He smiled gently at the memory. He'd been so soft, so small and so perfect. Jim always placed him in that blanket during the night feeds so he wouldn't get cold. Those nights together were some of his strongest memories, he was sure they were the only two people awake in the whole universe during those nights. Jim still remembered his son's beautiful big brown eyes staring back at him.

She caught his thoughts. "Maybe this is a box of good memories," she said hopefully. "Why don't we sort through it together?"

He thought for a moment, maybe she had a point. He smiled and came to sit beside her.

She smiled at him, wanting him to know she was glad he was willing to look through the box. She handed him the soft blanket.

He smiled at its touch and instinctively brought it towards his face, smelling it. It disappointed him that the smell of his son had long since gone.

Sarah felt his sorrow. She looked down to avoid upsetting herself, the death of a child she'd never met was not hers to feel; it was Jim's. Her purpose now was to help him.

He sat the blanket down beside him in the beginnings of a pile he'd mentally designated as 'keep'.

She reached into the box and pulled out a small blue teddy bear. She smiled as she looked at it. "Who's this?" She asked jovially as she turned it to Jim and held it out to him.

Jim chuckled at the sight of the bear. "That was his first ever teddy bear," he explained. He had so many fond memories of holding johnny and bringing the bear to him to elicit laughter. "His name is Teddy," Jim chuckled at the simplicity of his name.

She felt warmth as she saw him enjoy his past. He'd always dwell on the bad parts of past, the happy moments drowned in pain. Now he was able to see the good times for what they were. She knew she did the same; focused on the bad instead of the good. She would try and take a leaf out of his book and remember the good things.

He took the bear and stroked its ear back into place having been squished down by the box. "I wanted him to take this with him," he started to speak about the time his son left for the academy. "Liddy said he was too old for it," he added with a chuckle, "he was."

"I think Teddy wants to go in the keep pile," she mused, knowing Jim should hold onto it.

He agreed and placed the bear on top of the blanket.

She looked down into the box and pulled out a little blue baby grow that was decorated in little crescent moons. "This is adorable," she added as she inspected the tiny piece of clothing.

"You know," he said with some of his usual cheer, "that one used to be mine before Johnny's."

She felt a small smile on her lips as she imagined him as a baby. "There is no way you were this tiny," she added.

He laughed.

"I bet you were so cute," she said, teasing him slightly but also complimenting him.

"I'm still that cute," he added. His expression turned more serious as he thought about the outfit. "This would do for our children," he added, thinking practically.

That comment took her off-guard and her mouth dropped slightly.

Noting her discomfort he tried to take it back, "forget I said that." He thought about making a new pike of things; 'throw away'.

"Keep," she quickly blurted out. She forced a smile, "for our children."

He smiled.

"Looking at things like this," she said distantly as she inspected the small outfit. "Makes me think," she looked back at him cautiously, "about trying for our own family." There, she had said it. She wasn't sure now was an appropriate time after discussing his deceased son but it felt right to her.

"Yeah?" He asked, interest clear in his voice. They'd had conversations like his before and they always ended in Sarah telling him maybe they'd talk about having them one day. He wanted children, and oh god did he want them with her, but she always avoided talking about it. He had come to believe he may have to give up his hopes of having children, but he would do it for her, having her was enough for him.

She smiled at his thoughts. She didn't want him to give up his hopes but she felt so loved that he was willing to. She wanted to have the conversation she'd put off for so long but didn't know where to start. She laid the little outfit down on her lap and looked at him.

He saw the troubled look on her face and took her hand in his. "Talk to me," he told her.

She looked into his brown eyes and relaxed as she saw love there. "I'm so scared, Jim," she told him frankly. "About everything."

"That's natural," he replied. He had been scared when Liddy told him she was expecting all those years ago, happy but scared.

"It's not natural to have to worry that one day your child would find out how many people you butchered, to worry that one day they'll love you and the next hate and fear you. It's not natural to worry that someone would hurt them just go get back at you," she spoke quickly and forced herself to stop as tears lined her eyes.

"Shhh," he gently shook her hand to calm her. "I feared that with Johnny," he told her. "It's not natural, you're right, we both did bad things in the past..."

"Jim, I murdered millions," she interrupted him. His wrong doings as a petty criminal could hardly compare to the things she'd done.

Jim hated it when she blamed herself for everything. They'd been round and round in circles talking about it all and he thought she'd learned to cope with it all.

"I have learned to cope with it," she told him kindly, "but how can I expect a child to?" She lowered her head and looked at the tiny baby onesie on her lap, using her free hand to stroke it.

"Things with kids is," he told her frankly, "they don't cope. You tell them little bits you know they can cope with, then eventually they understand."

She looked at him, listening carefully to his words.

"What I'm tryin' to say is, they'll understand like I do," he smiled, "one day, eventually. You'll be their mom, they'll love you, and nothing can break that bond."

She pouted, "I destroy things. Everything I care about..."

"No, you don't," he told her. She had told him she was a destroyer of things many years ago and he knew it to be crap. She hadn't destroyed him and the love they had. Far from it. She had saved him from the drink he feared may consume him and given him a reason to get up every morning. He knew any children they had would be safe in her hands and loved beyond words.

She considered his words and thoughts, hoping them to be true. She nodded finally, accepting his wisdom. "What if we get our hopes up and we find out I can't have them?" she asked softly. Her body had been through so much, experimented upon by the Confederacy, her eggs harvested, mutated into a Zerg, twice, ascended into a Xel'naga, returned to human, twice, impaled and injured countless times. Now she was fast approaching her forties, despite her youthful appearance.

"After the last transformation, the doctors said you were a healthy Terran female, with no signs of any problems or damage to anything," Jim reminded her. He held her hand more tightly. " _If_ , and I stress _if_ , there are any problems, we can always look at fertility treatments," he informed her.

She nodded her head, to show she understood but hoped it wouldn't come to that.

"And if we can't," his voice was quieter now, "we carry on like we are now." He loosened his grip on her hand and stroked her fingertips with his thumb, things were pretty damn great with her. "Or adopt a cute orphan or something," he chuckled to diffuse the tension.

She forced a smile. "If we can have children, they'll probably be psionic," she told him regretfully. Her own strong psionic powers and Jim having already produced a psionic child pointed to the fact it would be so. Psionics had indirectly killed Jim's first child and had directly killed her own parents.

Jim nodded, he'd realized that long ago. "Johnny's psionics never even came into my love for him," he explained, misreading Sarah's apprehension.

She shook her head, "it's not that." She looked back at the small outfit on her lap. "It's hard, being psionic," she explained and looked back at Jim. "I don't want our children to suffer because they're psionic like me and Johnny did." The tears were stinging at her eyes again.

Jim frowned. It hadn't been easy when Sarah had told him his son would likely have suffered at the Academy, it hadn't been easier when Sarah had told him about her own experiences there either. But the Academy was gone, proper schools existed for psionic children and society mostly welcomed those with psionic powers. "We'll protect them," he told her straight. "No damn way a child of mine is going to suffer again, psionic or not," he promised her.

She smiled at his protective nature. She looked down at the baby outfit again, it's little form striking at her heart. "I want us to try for a baby, Jim," she said boldly.

He looked at her, stunned. "You sure? You really want us to have a baby?" He asked softly, repeating it to make sure he hadn't misheard.

She nodded softly before slowly placing the outfit back in the box and took his other hand in hers so they had both hands linked. "I," she stopped herself, she wanted to say the right words. "I'm ready to be a mother," she smiled at him.

He felt a rush of joy throughout his body and he smiled deeply at her. He held her hands tighter. "You really want this?"

"I really want this," she assured him. "I think we've waited long enough. The past is far enough in the past," she smiled at him.

"I'm proud of you," he told her as he gazed into her eyes. He could see how far she'd come. He knew they would be amazing parents and their child would be loved.

That night they began trying for a baby. It didn't take long for Sarah to fall pregnant with their first child. Enjoying the happiness that came with their small baby girl, they gave her a brother and sister in the years that followed. Overtime those children grew up and had their own children.

Jim and Sarah never regretted waiting to have their beautiful family as they were able to enjoy, comfort, protect and teach their children as two wise parents. Each day was filled with love and happiness. Sure, there were darker days, and days that were painful, but the past could not weather them.


End file.
